...losing the most beautiful part of me...

Papa is not just a word. It has my past 27 years attached to it. This one word makes my eyes moist. Anywhere, anytime! It’s been 4 months since I lost him but even today, I cannot embrace the fact that he isn’t with me. People say it takes time, but with time, I feel, memories deepen. His face, his voice, his talks, his smell, everything flashes back again with just ‘Papa’.

From the day he left us, all his belongings are as it is; just to feel his presence around. I desiderate to hear the sound of television. Being played at the highest volume available, Papa in the evenings could be found in front of the television screen on the sofa watching news. He was one learned man. Flipping the channels for hours, he was a man who could talk on anything and everything. The only regret I have is that when I realized his worth, I couldn’t spend time with him.

Just a day before he passed away, he expounded me on the political behaviors of certain nations around the globe. His predictions on the future of politics around the world was so apt that over the past 15 years I didn’t have an option but to believe his prognosticates and presages on the emerging situations worldwide. Since his childhood, he had studied histories of nations and civilizations. No, he was never a student of history but a historian himself. Even though he was an engineer by profession; which is miles away from political science and related field, his interest in these subjects was deeper than one could imagine. I still remember his predictions on Middle East, US and many other nations (somewhere in early 2000).

During the last days of his life, he had started showing signs of weaknesses and illness but hadn’t stopped fighting. He had been to work even on the final day of his life in this world. His deteriorating condition on the day couldn’t stop his mind, which being in the best form could comprehend and analyse his own condition.

Imagine a person suffering a heart attack but still trying to fight back and speaking to us all! Yes, that was my Papa. He fought back until the last breath. He knew things were messing up in there but did not express it to us. The para-medical team was stunned to see a man in such a severe condition sitting and explaining his problem; not to forget, telling his name and age and profession when required during the whole process of medical assistance.

Looking at the deteriorating condition of his in last 6 months, I go back in time. Back to 1992/93 where I have this blurred memory of him taking us all out in the desert. Me, my sisters, and mamma in the winters. He was the perfect family man. He gave us the best he had. The same man was ill, old and had no strength in his body during the last few months of his life. I could so feel the powerless, strength-less hands of his when he used to hold me while getting down the stairs of the Masjid. Damn, am in the office typing all this and crying. I shouldn’t be.

I didn’t want to write this because I knew I would cry but my friend Rohan asked me to. Naahar, this one is just because of you. Thank you so much. I wouldn’t have had the courage had you not pushed me to jot down my feelings. I feel light and better, a lot better right now. Seeing me disturbed, he taught me to take it all out and so I do it every day while on my way home, alone, in the car. Thank you again.

Money was the last thing Papa would think of. He called it the worst materialistic desire. He never counted his money. He used to spend it all and he sure was blessed in whatever the amount he had. Yes, I have seen the barakah in the money.

The last weekend of his life, the one before which he breathed last, was the most important and unforgettable one. I was with him at his friend’s house and they started discussing certain issues on which Papa spoke eloquently there. It was then, during his long talk, I realized that I need to spend more time with this man. Irrespective of my busy time, I had made my mind to spend at least some hours with him every day.

Little did I know that it was the last meeting I would have with Papa.

I know everything happens for a reason and I am thankful that I could learn a lot from him. But it would have been better if I could have spent more time with him.

He was a man with the cleanest of the cleanest heart. No hate, no grudges, nothing! I remember it was 2003 when he had got this tender for a huge project. On the day he had to commence the project, his friend, who was an equally sharing partner tried to dodge him by refusing to take his calls and taking him along. It was evident that he had misused Papa. Soon after, he met an accident. He called Papa and apologized on what his plans were. Papa, without a second thought went to see him and forgave him then and there.

This is what he taught me. Forgive, no matter what. Help, no matter what. Be good, no matter what.

Another instance was when Papa had met a horrible accident in 1993. 37year old Papa, a father of four, forgave the 13year old boy who had crashed his GMC into Papa’s vehicle. It had happened when Papa was driving to the site at 6 in the morning and this young lad, rash driving on the streets of Al-Kharj banged in; breaking Papa’s left knee and displacing the left leg. That was one incident where he showed enormous amount of courage. Lying upside down in the car, he waited for the aid to arrive. Made sure he didn’t fall unconscious as he knew that the people who would come for the rescue wouldn’t know where exactly what is broken. He knew he had lost his leg but his belief kept him going. His optimistic attitude kept him on. Later on, when the boy’s dad came to Papa in the hospital, he, without a second thought forgave the child and told the police to not file a case. He was of the opinion that “things that are destined to happen would happen. The boy had learnt his lesson. Putting him in jail or asking for a ‘monetary return’ wouldn’t bring his broken leg back”.

That accident changed his life. He was never the same old ‘active’ man again. He slowed down the rest of his life.

But that didn’t hinder him as being the bestest (I wish such a word existed) Papa in the whole wide world. A man who lived the way he wanted to. On his ideals, morals and beliefs. Whatever his heart said wasn’t right, he wouldn’t go for it. He was a quintessential father one could have asked for. A man whose life revolved around his family. Who did everything to provide the best for his family. A man who made sure he sets an example for his children. He didn’t teach me but rather lived as the best example of my life.

Many a times, when in a bewildered situation, we tend to reach our friends whom we ‘think’ would give us the best advice. They indeed do but we tend to forget that there is a man in our house, whose advices are the one that supersedes it all, undoubtedly! He is the only person who would genuinely give you the best of advice on any matter and he is the only man who would undeniably, unquestionably have your back at all times. Even when you are disastrous, negative, no one believes in you and have given up all the hope! Even then!

The only human being in this world who wants nothing in return, absolutely nothing. He would always pray for your health, safety and well-being even when you aren’t in good terms with him.

A father is hard as a shell but soft in the side. They don’t express it to us but they love us dearly, deeply and unconditionally.

He made sure that what he earned was all clean. Even at times when things were hard, he wouldn’t go the wrong way to get it done. He was a man of character. Something which I learned the hard way after losing him. Never realized that he was forming my base and my foundation for the years to come.

He taught me to help people and not think when doing that. He would just do it. I have seen him giving without counting. Without even thinking what he has in his pocket. He would just put his hand in there and give it off. Doesn’t matter how much. And somehow, he was blessed with money. It is as if it multiplied in there, a hundred times!

He taught me to be good to everyone. Be the best of what you can be. Even to the one who is not to you. He didn’t believe in revenges. He didn’t believe in ‘responding the same way’ but rather ‘responding in his own way’, a subtle way.

He taught me to not belittle anyone, even if he belittles you. He believed that human beings have the tendency to change. He was of the view that every human being is a good one with just a little err and this err could be fixed with love.

I remember the first time I met him after being away for a long time, for about 8 months in June 2010 at my sister’s wedding, I just hugged him and cried. Like a lot. And so did he. That was one moment where I realized his importance in our life.

Time flew by and I grew up. Similar situation was to come up when I planned a visit in 2015. I had been away from house for about 2 years. I wanted to surprise him this time. As soon as I entered the house and saw him sitting on the sofa, I couldn’t come to the ween that he had dwindled down in just a span of 2 years, drastically. The moment was here. I went up to him and hugged him and before I could melt down in his arms and cry, I left him. I just didn’t want to make him cry. I was moved by the way he had become. I knew I could have broken down to tears but held it all inside me.

In 2010, Papa was working on these towers in King Saud Medical City. The new towers were an addition to the already existing building. In the month of October or November of the same year, I had been with him to the hospital area. He took me around and showed me the morgue area. He explained me how and where the body is kept. He also took me to the Masjid where the rituals take place. Little did I know that after 6 years, it would be the same hospital, same morgue and the same Masjid.

He was a blessing to me. A protection to me. He was the most beautiful thing I had. There is nothing worse than losing the most beloved and taken for granted person in this world. He is, was and will remain within me. Deep down somewhere backing me up with the affable lines of his ‘This world is temporary, do not attach yourself to the materialistic desires. Everything is bound to perish. Just live the time you have in the best possible manner. Give, forgive and forget’.