Losing the most beautiful part of our life, our father!

Papa is not just a word. It has my past 27 years attached. This one word makes my eyes moist. Anywhere, anytime! It’s been 4 months since I lost him, but even today, I cannot embrace the fact that he isn’t with me. People say it takes time, but with time, I feel memories deepen. His face, his voice, his talks, his smell- everything flashes back again with just ‘Papa’.

From the day he left us, all his belongings are as they are; just to feel his presence around. I desire to hear the sound of the television. In the evenings, Papa could be found on the sofa in front of the television, watching the news at the highest volume available. He was one learned man. Flipping the channels for hours, he was a man who could talk on anything and everything. The only regret I have is that when I realized his worth, I couldn’t spend time with him.

Just a day before he passed away, he expounded to me on the political behaviors of certain nations around the globe. His predictions on the future of politics around the world were so apt that over the past 15 years I didn’t have an option but to believe his prognostications and presages on the emerging situations worldwide. Since his childhood, he had studied histories of nations and civilizations. No, he was never a student of history but a historian himself. Even though he was an engineer by profession, which is miles away from political science and related fields, his interest in these subjects was deeper than one could imagine. I still remember his predictions about the Middle East, the US, and many other nations (from somewhere in the early 2000s).

During the last days of his life, he had started showing signs of weakness and illness but hadn’t stopped fighting. He had been to work even on the final day of his life in this world. His deteriorating condition on the day couldn’t stop his mind, which, in the best form, could comprehend and analyze his own condition.

Imagine a person suffering a heart attack but still trying to fight back and speaking to us all! Yes, that was my Papa. He fought back until the last breath. He knew things were messing up in there but did not express it to us. The paramedical team was stunned to see a man in such a severe condition sitting and explaining his problem, not to forget telling his name, age, and profession when required throughout the medical assistance process.

Looking at the deteriorating condition of his in the last 6 months, I go back in time. Back to 1992/93, where I have this blurred memory of him taking us all out in the desert. Me, my sisters, and mamma in the winters. He was the perfect family man. He gave us the best he had. The same man was ill, old, and had no strength in his body during the last few months of his life. I could so feel the powerless, strength-less hands of his when he used to hold me while getting down the stairs of the Masjid. Damn, I am in the office typing all this and crying. I shouldn’t be.

I didn’t want to write this because I knew I would cry, but my friend Rohan asked me to. Naahar, this one is just because of you. Thank you so much. I wouldn’t have had the courage had you not pushed me to jot down my feelings. I feel light and better, a lot better right now. Seeing me disturbed, he taught me to take it all out, and so I do it every day while on my way home, alone, in the car. Thank you again.

Money was the last thing Papa would think of. He called it the worst materialistic desire. He never counted his money. He used to spend it all, and he sure was blessed in whatever amount he had. Yes, I have seen the barakah in the money.

The last weekend of his life, the one before which he breathed last, was the most important and unforgettable one. I was with him at his friend’s house, and they started discussing certain issues, on which Papa spoke eloquently. It was then, during his long talk, that I realized I needed to spend more time with this man. Irrespective of my busy schedule, I had made up my mind to spend at least some hours with him every day.

Little did I know that it was the last meeting I would have with Papa.

I know everything happens for a reason, and I am thankful I learned a lot from him. But it would have been better if I had been able to spend more time with him.

He was a man with the cleanest of hearts. No hate, no grudges, nothing! I remember it was 2003 when he had gotten this tender for a huge project. On the day he had to commence the project, his friend, who was an equally sharing partner, tried to dodge him by refusing to take his calls and take him along. It was evident that he had misused Papa. Soon after, he was involved in an accident. He called Papa and apologized about what his plans were. Papa, without a second thought, went to see him and forgave him then and there.

This is what he taught me. Forgive, no matter what. Help, no matter what. Be good, no matter what.

Another instance was when Papa had met a horrible accident in 1993. 37-year-old Papa, a father of four, forgave the 13-year-old boy who had crashed his GMC into Papa’s vehicle. It had happened when Papa was driving to the site at 6 in the morning, and this young lad, rashly driving on the streets of Al-Kharj, banged in, breaking Papa’s left knee and displacing the left leg. That was one incident where he showed an enormous amount of courage. Lying upside down in the car, he waited for the aid to arrive. Made sure he didn’t lose consciousness, as he knew the people who would come to the rescue wouldn’t know exactly what was broken. He knew he had lost his leg, but his belief kept him going. His optimistic attitude kept him going. Later on, when the boy’s dad came to Papa in the hospital, he, without a second thought, forgave the child and told the police not to file a case. He thought that “things that are destined to happen would happen. The boy had learned his lesson. Putting him in jail or asking for a ‘monetary return’ wouldn’t bring his broken leg back”.

That accident changed his life. He was never the same old ‘active’ man again. He slowed down the rest of his life.

But that didn’t hinder him from being the bestest (I wish such a word existed) Papa in the whole wide world. A man who lived the way he wanted to. On his ideals, morals, and beliefs. Whatever his heart said wasn’t right, he wouldn’t go for it. He was a quintessential father one could have asked for. A man whose life revolved around his family. Who did everything to provide the best for his family. A man who made sure he set an example for his children. He didn’t teach me; rather, he lived as the best example in my life.

Many a time, when in a bewildered situation, we tend to reach our friends whom we ‘think’ would give us the best advice. They indeed do, but we tend to forget that there is a man in our house whose advice supersedes it all, undoubtedly! He is the only person who would genuinely give you the best advice on any matter, and he is the only man who would undeniably and unquestionably have your back at all times. Even when you are disastrous, negative, and no one believes in you and has given up all hope! Even then!

The only human being in this world who wants nothing in return, absolutely nothing. He would always pray for your health, safety, and well-being even when you aren’t in good terms with him.

A father is hard as a shell but soft on the inside. They don’t express it to us, but they love us dearly, deeply, and unconditionally.

He made sure that what he earned was all clean. Even at times when things were hard, he wouldn’t go the wrong way to get it done. He was a man of character. Something which I learned the hard way after losing him. Never realized that he was forming my base and my foundation for the years to come.

He taught me to help people and not think when doing that. He would just do it. I have seen him giving without counting, without even thinking about what he had in his pocket. He would just put his hand in there and give it off. Doesn’t matter how much. And somehow, he was blessed with money. It is as if it multiplied in there, a hundred times!

He taught me to be good to everyone. Be the best you can be, even to the one who is not you. He didn’t believe in revenge. He didn’t believe in ‘responding the same way’ but rather ‘responding in his own way’, a subtle way.

He taught me to not belittle anyone, even if he belittles you. He believed that human beings have the tendency to change. He was of the view that every human being is good, with just a little error, and that this error could be fixed with love.

I remember the first time I met him after being away for about 8 months, in June 2010, at my sister’s wedding; I just hugged him and cried. Like a lot. And so did he. That was one moment where I realized his importance in our lives.

Time flew by, and I grew up. A similar situation arose when I planned a visit in 2015. I had been away from home for about 2 years. I wanted to surprise him this time. As soon as I entered the house and saw him sitting on the sofa, I couldn’t come to the realization that he had dwindled down in just a span of 2 years, drastically. The moment was here. I went up to him and hugged him, and before I could melt down in his arms and cry, I left him. I just didn’t want to make him cry. I was moved by the way he had become. I knew I could have broken down to tears but held it all inside me.

In 2010, Papa was working on these towers in King Saud Medical City. The new towers were an addition to the already existing building. In October or November of the same year, I had been with him to the hospital area. He took me around and showed me the morgue area. He explained to me how and where the body is kept. He also took me to the Masjid where the rituals take place. Little did I know that after 6 years, it would be the same hospital, same morgue, and the same Masjid.

He was a blessing to me. A protection to me. He was the most beautiful thing I had. There is nothing worse than losing the most beloved and taken-for-granted person in this world. He is, was, and will remain within me. Deep down somewhere, backing me up with the affable lines of his ‘This world is temporary, do not attach yourself to materialistic desires. Everything is bound to perish. Just live the time you have in the best possible manner. Give, forgive, and forget’.